now playing: "Organ Trail"

[Today's review is dedicated to Lectin, Kitty, Ara, Crazy, Joker, Lemming, and Cave-Johnson-knows-who-else-I'm-forgetting that I've never met in person, nor contacted in ages, but whom I still think of very fondly in connection with the winter of 2010/spring of 2011. R.I.P. Seclusion.]

Today's review is also dedicated to something fewer and fewer members of the growing generation can appreciate: Oregon Trail. Yes, the Learning Company has since devised about ten thousand remakes of that classic Apple II 8-bit graphical wonder, complete with ten thousand new diseases and ten thousand new economies for each town you hit up and ten thousand new conversational permutations including period-authentic racial and religious tensions...

...but it's just, ugh, just not the same as the old classic. So, while respecting the traditions of the retro days and keeping in mind the dwindling general interest in U.S. "Old West" lore, some guys, namely, The Men Who Wear Many Hats put together their own updated version online: Organ Trail (2011). Yes, you read that right. Organs. As in, a trail of organs. And where else will you find a trail of organs but in the dead heat of a raging zombie apocalypse?

Everything's gonna be great!

Sorry Lec.

Depending on your level of difficulty chosen (as dictated by your occupation; a cop has more resources than a clerk has than a lawyer), you have only so many hours to scavenge for supplies in rundown Washington D.C. before the place is sanitarily nuked--then off on your cross-country trip you go to Safe Haven, Oregon, in a brown station wagon. Major cities and landmarks along the way (including a strip club) allow you to refresh on store supplies, but money's hard to come by, and more often than not you'll be haggling with strangers and navigating zombie-infested wild land for even a few ounces of food--with five people to feed, rations get low all too quickly. Periodically you'll encounter metaphorical rivers of rotting hordes. Given their level of agression (hint: it gets worse after dark), you might be able to sneak through, hire mercenary escorts, or simply pull a good ol' hit-and-run shooting spree.

C'est la vie.

REASONS WHY "ORGAN TRAIL" IS A RAVENOUS GOOD TIME:

1). It's NOT a frigging FPS like everything else that seems to have zombies in it these days. And because it's not an FPS, it focuses very refreshingly on the best part: your story as a survivor! I don't know about anyone else, but playing Oregon Trail back in the day involved a significant chunk of time just coming up with the names, the backstories for everyone, running around for supplies... that was the fun part. I experienced those same thrilling narrative inclinations. Nick is a cop, Amber can be his girlfriend, Winston's a young(er) college prof trying to find a cure and he has a crush on Crystal, an ex-zombie rescued by Amber and she likes Twizzlers. Lectin's an empathic clairvoyant genius misunderstood by everyone except the best friend he lost at the beginning of the apocalypse. Now, dealing with the effects of G-viruses and incapacitation in the party? Not so fun.

2). It's a frigging B-movie. Nothing scarier, or funnier, or awesomer, than 8-bit neon green yetis straight from the cover of those (Green Apple? Red Apple? I forget the brand) paperback chapter horror books that freaked me out when I was six. And they're chasing you. Arms extended, brisk walk. It's pretty authentic.

3). The gameplay's tried-and-true, lifted straight from the retro popular. Amusing how, in a day when someone says "Apple" you automatically think "iPad" and not the organic produce, over 600k folks will play a little Flash game based on the input/output limitations of an extinct device. The novelty, of course, is in the theme (zombies have been trending for quite a few years now and they're not gonna fade from the spotlight for hopefully a while). But even so, the text-adventure style of Organ Trail has a sweet, stripped-down appeal free from the glamorous gore of the undead themselves and focused more on the simulation "what-would-you-do" glory.

4). The basement-arcade feel of the chiptune soundtrack is not to be missed.

5). Instead of feeling like a miserable failure at life when someone dies--actually, people don't really die by themselves in Organ Trail. You get to choose if they die, and when they die. Infected man in your crew? Keep them in good health with med packs and rest and they'll be unlikely to completely zombify. Improving on the old school for the win.

In all fairness, I replayed this game again and managed to save everyone (even Amber who had been T-virus infected) and bring them to Safe Haven... well, safely. Except for Winston. Poor Winston. I hated him anyway. Good-for-nothing scientist just plugging away on a cure.