now playing: "Top Girl"

[Preface: how about a TRULY exceptional game for this once-in-a-leap-year occasion?]


[Second preface: Darthlubber, I made this for you!]

Upon obtaining Mr. Dandroid (see previous post), I became immediately hooked on certain things like the Amazon App store, where, upon browsing the top 100 free downloads, I stumbled upon a good many things...

...like Crowdstar's Top Girl, aka the mobile-enabled version of that infamous Facebook sucker of a bottomless pit called Hit Girl. (And yes, I did have to play a few minutes of Hit Girl just to confirm my suspicions. Oh wait, it's called It Girl isn't it? My bad. Originally, the beta version was called Hit Girl because the built-in alpha female competition included much more realistic catfights--complete with customized derogatory slang posts you could share to other players' walls, and a neat little street-dancing DDR-style minigame. But I digress.) Drumroll please...

TOP REASONS WHY TROLLTOP GIRL IS, LIKE, SO TOP:

1). It's, like, having a boyfriend, without, like, the commitment. Ya know? Just use him abuse him to get gifts. The more you kiss him, the more gifts you get. Actually, no, I did the math on this: 5 kisses = 1 gift. You can also buy gifts for him. Like golf clubs. And a hammer. And you get paid for keeping him!

2). Shoes. Oh mah gosh, shoes. Let's get some shoes. With real cash from the real world! Trust me, it's an investment you won't forget. It doesn't even tell you the consequences of your actions. C'est la vie.

3). It, like, prepares you for the real world! "Honey I've been on my feet all day standing in front of a camera looking pretty like always (sigh) and all you do is stalk me all day so imma go to the club and hit up ALL the guys and bye."

4). Boys boys boys. We like boys in cars. Boys boys boys. Buy us drinks in the bars. And yes, buying drinks is exactly how we pick our mates in this game. Beer, wine, or liquor--the merrier it makes ya, the likelier he'll be charmed by your cleavage and cheesy pick-up lines. Middle school sex ed would be a much better class with real life lessons like the ones Top Girl can teach you.

6). The soundtrack is crap beeps and boops, but fortunately, For full effect, put on Timberlake and Fergie classics from the good ol' 2000s.

5). It's not safe to Google. Just, don't.

Thanks to Lizzie at loveyourway.net for having wasted at least as many hours as I did playing this game and pulling screenshots for her own review of this, er, title.

I have no word count left to describe this. (loveyourway.net)